You want answers. You want the website that sells my supposed porn video, Daddy's Spoiled Little Slut. Unfortunately, guys, the porn never existed. I am so sorry, in advance, for the lack of self-degrading humor in this explanation, because I know the little buttholes over on ED are gonna take any sarcastic joke I make and take it out of context… Which leads me to my first point for the Encyclopedia Dramatica homeboys.
[If you have no idea what Encyclopedia Dramatica is, but are still curious about the PHOTOS, skip to #4.)
Look, guys, I don't care if you make fun of me. Have a blast. I got plenty of that shit in high school, and internet life has taught me how to laugh at the trolling.
I haven't given really given a shit since the article went up, because I was expecting something like that to happen- will get to that later- and because it's written so absurdly far from the truth that no one could even possibly believe it. However, recently I realized, what if my employers might actually look at my article and grow a tiny bit of doubt in their mind? So… I decided to write up a little response to clear all doubt in your head.
1) I'm a daddy's girl.
I grew up in a upper-middle class household, yes. My father was rarely around and my mother and I had a terrible relationship, so I moved out the minute I turned 18. I've also paid for my own things, including my first car, since I was 13. I pay my bills, I have a job, and I worry about money just as much as you do.
2) Breast implants.
This one is just fucking hilarious. If you put both my tits together, they might add up to one small B cup. For a year, I was on birth control and went up to C, which was awesome (when the photos were taken). Then I got off, due to the fact I was sexually inactive, and went right back to B. Had to eat a whole carton of ice cream to get over my loss. Ironically, the ice cream went right to my hips instead.
3) I'm a porn star!
No, I'm kind of not. After my pictures were leaked, I decided to have a bit of fun at my expense (something I'm no stranger to) and played an April Fool's prank implying I was considering getting involved in the porn industry. I could never ACTUALLY have a job in the porn industry, because I'm pretty sure I could only take like, two dicks at most. And that's on a good day.
So, most of you already know how this happened. I had a boyfriend for three years who lived across the country. I loved him dearly, and considered him my soulmate at the time. We sent each other photos. Anyone would in that situation. Stupidly, I uploaded some photos to my private Photobucket account and forgot about them until looong after our break-up, when those photos somehow resurfaced on a porn site. Apparently, some guy had fuskered them (used a program to change the file names until unearthing private photos) and posted them. Many of these photos were taken when I was 16, some when I was 18- and I will never reveal which is which. The only reason I don't try to remove these from ED or take legal action, which I easily could, is because I don't like to deal with trolls. Their game is tedious and pointless. If you ignore them, they eventually go away.
4b) My Kinky Pics?
I'm sure my photos were up there- they were on a lot of sites. I probably told them the photos were taken when I was underage, they checked the timestamp, and removed them. I never, EVER put my photos up anywhere. EVER.
5) Why I am hated by 4channers!
Here's the deal. I originally attempted to get a small excerpt about me on Neil's ED page taken down. The mods seemed reasonable at first.
Except when it came to me. Weev, the master of some arbitration chat or something, and I had a little conversation over IM in which he told me that, in order to take the link to my photos down, I would have to sleep with him in a hotel room.
"Weev: i'm an attractive guy
Weev: you want something
Weev: i have it
Weev: you have something
Weev: i want it"
I rejected him (whether or not he was trolling me, I still don't know), and to punish me, a Chloe Dykstra ED article was started. An article all to myself!
"Just to clarify, I am saying I would have sex with him."
That was about Neil Patrick Harris as Doctor Horrible when I was asked in an interview.
"About to have a mascara brush inserted into my vajayjay by a guy named Uzzi (pronounced "oozy"). Wish me luck."
"I lost my virginity in a hotel room to an F-list celebrity, who was married, mormon, and had three little boys. Evil, right? Yes, yes, I know I'm on the fast train to an eternity of cleaning up demon shit in 444.9 degree heat. In my defense, I halted it after a few seconds. Also in my defense, I was freshly 18 and still naive, while he was 34. BONUS FACT: This is the only time I cried after sex!
(how many people have you had sex with?) As for the second question I will simply say this... I can count the number on three hands. Yeah, I've counted and recounted and it still confuses me how the hell I managed that, considering I've only had three one night stands (one was my virginity, and two came after a MAJOR heartbreak... you understand), and aside from that haven't slept with anyone I wasn't dating/REALLY cared about for at least a month and a half. Life moves quickly, I guess. "
Question on Formspring about the loss of my virginity. I answered honestly, and as humorously as I could. I was in love with the guy I lost my virginity to for awhile, and felt stomach-twisting guilt for months after it happened. I was naive, vulnerable, and starstruck.
"I had an affair with my rockstar idol that lasted six months."
Totally slutty. I loved the guy, still do. Didn't have sex with him in the six months we were together because I didn't feel ready.
So here's the deal. I didn't beat any cats, I didn't molest any children. I simply sent photos to my boyfriend of three years, NINE YEARS AGO. Because of this, I'm being harrassed constantly over Facebook by horny Hungarians, and my phone number is posted online. But that's what trolls do when they take breaks from wasting time with other trivial pursuits trying to teach idiots lessons... Waste more time, trying to get reactions.
Well here's your reaction, 4chan. You're boring. You don't really do much damage unless there's a ton of you. I don't hate you, though I should, I just feel sorry for you. I'm glad you've found your life calling and all that, it's just that no one really thinks you're cool for it. Sorry, guys. I truly am.
I had to disable comments due to spam, but feel free to tweet at me (@skydart).